aDDICTION

tHE mISTAKE

WWAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKK!!

The punch came in from my left. It connected just above my left eye as I was exiting a black cab on the Bayswater Road. It was midnight on a cool, fresh, autumnal evening.

I looked up from the pavement as a very angry Moroccan prostitute looked down at me. She was mouthing obscenities. With her was a perplexed driver. He also looked down at me, but his look was very much that of bemusement. Moments earlier I had jumped into the back of his taxi and instructed him, in no uncertain terms, to ...

DRRRRIIIIIVVVE!!!

GET THE FUCKK OUT OF HERE!!! GO! GO! GO! DRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!

He did not.

As I layed there on the pavement my mind wandered. I got to thinking about a podcast the daygame coach St Robert had done on Sugar Dating. He said, it was perfectly possible to game the girls on sugar dating sites. I mean, he said blithely, you can just not pay them, right? ahahahha!! Right? Hahhaha. Him and his naive guest chuckled. Well yes, for the previous 3 nights I had done just that. With impressive results. I had wined, dined, and smashed the life out of several nascent gold-diggers keen to begin their journey into the world of simp resource extraction and thought - where's the catch? I'm onto a winner here. Why is no one doing this! Just a regular date, pop back to yer pad in zone 1 (or zone 2 if your slumming it) and do the bad thing. Then when they attempt to raise the thorny subject of money just shrug, fain innocence. Or purr 'dont lets ruin the moment darling with anything so crass and tawdry as money'. I was on a roll!

However, like all things dating related, my lucky streak had to come to an end. And it did in pyrotechnic style. This girl was a genuine working girl and, after a decent, if frosty date we had gone back to mine and indulged in some rough, but perfunctory sex. She undressed as soon as the door opened to my Airbnb. She got down to her g-string when I grabbed her and threw her on the bed. With her back arched I pulled her cheese wire-like thong aside and pushed her head into the pillow.

It was great! in the uninhibited kind of way that comes from cranking someone you don't really like. Great figure. 7 maybe. 7.5 after a few GnTs. There was a problem though. She wanted to walk to the cash point with me. She was insistent.

Oh.

I don't know at what point it was that I decided to do a runner but I just remember a horrendous scream that haunts me to this day.

You see the mistake I had made was crossing from the lovely, friendly, mutually beneficial lovely-dovey world of dating into the deeply unlovely world of vice. And this particular transition - as a middle-class, mild-mannered denizen of deepest, darkest Windsor - I was wholly unprepared for. £300 lighter I pondered...

Why had I done it? What had possessed me? What madness had befallen me??

For that we need to examine the subject of addiction.

tHE cYCLE oF aDDICTION

"The enemy had my power of willing in his clutches, and from it had forged a chain to bind me. The truth is that disordered lust springs for a perverted will; when lust is pandered to, a habit is formed; and when the pattern is not checked, it hardens into a compulsion. These were the interlinking rings forming what I have described as a chain, and my harsh servitude used it to keep me under duress"

- St Augustine, 900BC (translated by Boulding 1997)

Sexual Addiction was first recognized as a legitimate phenomenon and described in Patrick Carnes' book Out of the Shadows (1983). In this book he outlines 4 markers for sexually compulsive behaviour. He attempted to show how this aberrant behaviour differed from genuine desire - or sex drive, if you will.

His markers were as follows

1. The behavior feels out of control

2. It brings negative consequences

3. It is impossible to stay stopped

4. It serves a purpose

More astute readers will notice that the first 3 markers could reasonably be associated with a healthy sex life. Good sex leads to a loss of control and nobody could argue that its impossible to stay stopped, for instance.

So the key insight that Patrick Carnes gave us was that Sexual Addiction serves a purpose. From this insight he deduced that sex addiction isn't about sex. Its a learned behavior from escaping negative feelings. A emotional defense mechanism if you like.

But its flawed, but because in escaping negative feelings, new ones are generated. The behavior carry's with it deeply negative consequences. From discovery by loved ones, disease, humiliation robbery. Or getting decked by an irate prostitute. The costs are real... and potentially deadly.

Once the behavior has been established it is perpetuated by a reconstitution phase. We exhort ourselves that we will never do it again and that we will try harder next time. Piling the pressure on. But control gives way to release and the cycle begins again. More specifically....

Take a Closer Look

The cycle begins with the dormant (or Precursor) stage. As we go about our daily lives negative emotions will accrue
maybe boredom, anxiety, shame, guilt. Any one of these feelings can make us vulnerable to a Seemingly Unimportant Decision. This is a critical point in the cycle whereby we take an active step in moving us towards acting out. This could be as simple as browsing a site we shouldn't on a break, taking a different route home that just 'happens to be near an area we shouldnt visit'. It ramps up the probability that we could be Triggered. This is where an event occurs that instigates Build Up - where we start preparing to act out. Whether its browsing for porn or escorts we are now getting to the Point of Inevitability. Here we declare...

Fuck It!

Im going to do it!

We then Act Out - with whatever our poison is.

And then reality comes crashing in (Remorse) and finally we enter the reconstitution phase. Massive regret and shame

but with a massive exhortation that this is - THE LAST TIME EVAAAAH!!!!

cORE bELIEFS

Not everyone whose watched a bit too much porn is an addict. Not every dedicated skirt chaser has a problem. So how does sex addiction start? What causes the cycle of addiction?

Patrick Carnes (again) theorizes that it really starts in childhood - when we form our identity. Or if you like, how we see ourselves. And this is essentially the subject of core beliefs. Im attractive, Im unattractive, Im clever, Im worthless, Im unlovable, Im kind, Im incompetent. These deeply held opinions of ourselves - operating sub-consiously - have a profound influence on how we perceive the world around us.

And addicts have faulty core beliefs.

Because of incidents in our childhood - neglect, bullying, impossibly high standards - we have created a perception of reality that was necessary to survive the immediate attack on us but has left us a legacy of hurt. From our inability to correctly ascribe events to their correct causes - instead blaming ourselves - we instigate the cycle.

How is the cycle perpetuated? Essentially, underpinning the cycle is a broader Control-Release mechanism that is common in all Addictive pathologies. We overcompensate - with achievements and perfectionism or just being overly nice. And when that doesnt work we hit the escape button.

The Psychologist Bauermeister (1991) described Sex Addiction as 'an escape from self'

aM i aN aDDICT?? : S

Here are the tests that Patrick Carnes outlined to diagnose Sexual Addiction in his patients

1. A pattern of out of control behavior

2. Severe consequences due to the sexual behavior

3. Inability to stop - despite adverse consequences

4. Persistent pursuit of high-risk or self-destructive behaviour

5. Ongoing desire or effort to limit sexual behaviour

6. Sexual obsession or fantasy as a primary coping strategy

7. Increasing levels of sexual experience as the current level of activity is no longer sufficient

8. Severe mood changes around sexual activity

9. Inordinate amounts of time spent in obtaining sex

10. Neglect of important social functions or activities in favour of sexual activity

If you answered yes to any/many of these - then thats a problem.

As a daygamer, this raises alarm bells! Several of these look applicable!

Should we stop Daygame? Am I an addict? Am I going to hell in a handcart??

Not so fast

tHE rOLE oF dAYGAME

This is a contentious topic and these opinions are entirely my own. Its also a fruitful topic that I will doubtlessly return to again and again as my own journey as a Daygamer unfolds.

PROS

My initial thoughts are that daygame is tangentially beneficial to your mental health due to the positive emotional effects of acquiring the skill of cold approach.

Approaching attractive members of the opposite sex during the day and charming them, or at a minimum, leaving them with a positive opinion of you, is a critically important skill. It will have profound effects on your life. Social skills cannot be underestimated in their importance in building the life you want for yourself. Getting earned self-esteem, as opposed to 'fake-it-until-you-make-it' style blagging is priceless and leads to a general improvement in your confidence levels. In my experience that is.

Equally, your faulty core beliefs will not survive first contact with reality.

Daygame will literally alter your perception of reality

However, a note of warning...

CONS

I sincerely believe that daygame, particularly at the start, is an inherently stressful process. Therefore, if you suffer from anxiety or any other form of trauma then your core beliefs could be exacerbated by the emotional battering you are about to receive. Your symptoms could get worse. I would therefore recommend other, easier forms of dating.

I do also believe it is possible to become addicted to the high of daygame. Together with the inevitable lows there are the (occasional) highs. Because they are inevitably unpredictable this can in itself be addicting. Clinically, this is known as a Variable Reward Schedule, a general marker for addictive processes.

I do believe it can be difficult to stop - particularly if you are of an obsessive mindset - which many of the top guys inevitably are.

We all know your emotional state can oscillate wildly. Maybe you'll reach for other sexually compulsive behaviors to self-soothe. Sexual fantasies might spring to mind. Cravings, almost.

Are you working your way round the cycle?

Whether the pros outway the cons is a question every daygamer should ask themselves. And regularly. Some guys mitigate against this by finding their dream girl and getting out quick. This is a highly commendable strategy. Others contend themselves with reaching a nominal target and then hanging up their (R-selected) boots. Equally, valid.

What is your exit strategy? Its worth considering what happiness looks like for you.

Ultimately, that is the only cure for addiction.