sELF dEFENCE

tHE lAW oF tHE jUNGLE

I was cycling home from badminton one evening. It was dusk, not dark, but I was keen to crack on. I didn't want to be out in London after dark. Even in the relative tranquility of Westbourne Park. I was making good time, bombing along the grand union canal. Ahead of me, I could make out cars on the Great Western Road. Home was literally 500 metres away.

Out of the gloom ahead of me a group of young men appeared. About 8 or 9, perhaps 10 of them. Their ages ranged from about 12 to 16, Id say. On the Savannah, in prehistoric times, this group would be a familiar sight. A hunting party. A war-band. But this was zone 2 in West London. Perhaps they had gone out for a quick aperitif at The Union pub before tiffin?

Alas they had not. As I altered my path to avoid them, one of them moved to block my path. A confrontation was now inevitable.

At this point let us pause a moment. Let me ask you a question - would you consider this situation, or one similar, to be

a. A large problem?
b. A medium sized problem?
c. A small or minor distraction. Possibly not registering as a problem at all. A mere inconvenience on an otherwise uneventful day

To a fit, healthy, young man its maybe b. to an old lady, definitely a. To a liberal, well-meaning, beta male, maybe a b. (with his a vain hope that the police would deter them from action.)

A make this point to illustrate that to a trained martial artist from a fighting school (by that i mean from a striking club, not a Mc Dojo where you punch air. A school where you spar, condition, and do heavy cardio as an integral part of your training) this would be c. - a mere inconvenience.

So there I was. Me v the feral youths of West London. The Paddington Stranglers or the Ladbroke Grove boys, I dont know. We didn't exchange business cards.

When your brain perceives a threat the amygdala (located in the age old reptilian part of the brain known as the limbic system) kicks into action. It floods your central nervous system with cortisol, adrenaline and noradrenaline to stimulate the 'fight-or-flight' response. Your body is primed to flee or engage in close-quarter combat.

My heart sunk. The realisation hit me. It was going to be a damage limitation exercise. There were too many to fight. I had no training. I didnt know what to do.

'oi what you doing, fam!'

One of the yougest theatrically threw self off his bike in mock collision with me. He stood up and took the front light off my bike. I replied 'well you might as well take the rear light too. Its no use to me'. It wasnt a witty rejoinder I can assure you. Just mild panic.

And then it was over. They had gone.

But I was in shock. I almost cried. They could have so easily knifed me and chucked my lifeless body into the canal. It would have been a fait acomplie. Nobody would ever have known. My cousin - a forensic photographer at the Met - moaned that he spent many a long hour by the Grand Union canal fishing out bodies. How would he break it to his Aunt that I was swimming with the fishes?

I firmly believe that, what we call civilization, is largely an illusion. If you strip back the thin veneer of society you will find the jungle. We rarely notice it in our day to day lives, but its still there.

sYNERGY

I had to learn how to defend myself. I looked around for a club. I knew only one thing - I didnt want to learn Karate. I had done karate as a teenager and had grown disillusioned with the seemingly endless katas. A pattern of movements and strikes practiced by rote. Originally, the intention had been to learn striking techniques. And its a useful discipline, albeit one that takes several ice ages to pay off. I didnt have time for that. I wanted to be Jean Claude Van Damme or Bruce Lee, not fucking Kung Fu Panda.

In the end I joined a Karate club.

But not any club. This one did MMA. (essentially cherry-picking the best bits of all the martial arts)

But let us step out for a moment. There is a generally held misconception that if you do not look for trouble, mind your own business, keep your nose clean, obey the law, violence will not come a-knocking. Violence is for gangsters, violence is for mobsters, youngsters and other ner-do-wells. Violence is for blaggards and wrong-uns. Not for decent, middle-class types like us, dont you know.

Sadly, however, this is very far from the truth. Just ask Chris Rock.

The reality is that violence can strike any one of us, at almost any time. It is almost entirely unpredictable. It is ubiquitous. And no one is immune

I would advise everyone to learn some form of self-defense. Not least because its great fun! I strongly believe that if everyone could defend themselves then evil people would find it very much harder to do whatever they like, whenever they want to do it. Such as stealing bicycle headlights.

When you can fight, your confidence grows exponentially!

And while were on the subject - just remind me which of the two genders love confident men again?